Payday!

Israel pay day is once a month :(

Below is an except from another blog about his language difficulties moving to Japan. I wish they had a book like that for Hebrew....

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The other day I was at my local Barnes and Noble and I came across a Japanese language textbook. Weirdly, even though I’ll be going to Japan in the very near future, it hadn’t even occurred to me to start studying the language.

On the cover of the book there was a picture of a smiling blonde man. He was standing there proudly, with his arms folded across his chest. All around him there were Japanese people – young and old, male and female. They were also smiling, and each one was giving the “thumbs up.” They approved of him. They saw what he was bringing to the table, and they liked it.

It occurred to me that, if I bought this textbook, I would one day become just like that blonde man (albeit a much homelier version). By studying the text diligently each day, my ability would get to the point where I too could have a happy Japanese entourage of my own – one that I could take with me to the park or to the mall. I would be a benevolent master - firm, but respectful, and beating them only when an example needed to be set for the rest of the group (and seldom for my own dark, erotic pleasure). This kind of thing could really do wonders for my self-esteem, I think.

Of course, this is just a pipe dream. You and I both know that it can never truly be. Even if, one day, I am surrounded by a group of happy Japanese people, the circumstances will likely be very different. For example, I will probably be curled up in the fetal position on the ground, and the others will be holding picket signs, torches, and/or small armaments. Or perhaps I will be tied to a stake, and the Japanese people will be dancing around it, performing mysterious Shinto rites. I think that would be a neat textbook cover – and one that truthfully depicts the progress I will make in my cultural studies.

I ended up buying the book. It was a thin volume with plenty of pictures. These pictures were meant to make learning fun.

And it worked. I really did learn something. I learned that I have almost zero capacity to learn new words. I did a few hours of work, but there’s only one phrase that still sticks in my mind: “Aka no ringo desu.” I think this means “It is a red apple.” This is probably the most useless goddamn phrase someone can learn. If I were to actually say this, I’m pretty sure the other guy will respond with the Japanese equivalent of “No kidding. Go back to where you belong, white devil.” Overall, the textbook is useless. It uses pages from Japanese comic books so the reader can get a feel for how the language is naturally spoken. This is great, but the problem is that my life in Japan is probably not going to resemble the life of a comic book action hero. I’m not going to have any use for phrases like…

- Why do you run away? You really are the true killer aren’t you?

- All right. The helicopter you demanded is ready. Release the hostage.

- Inside the most heavily guarded chamber on earth, I finally have the privacy I need to dig whatever I can out of that thick skull of yours.

And the winner is:

- Now that you mention it, I see that she only gave you omelet and baby sausages.

What a crappy textbook. If I am ever in any one of these situations, my weak handle on Japanese grammar is going to be the least of my worries. Especially with that last phrase. Can you imagine ordering a Big Breakfast and not getting the tater-tots? Even just thinking about it kind of irritates me.

The more I read my text, the more confused I became. The more confused I became, the more I started to question my decision to hang my hat in the remote island-nation. I don’t even know how to say “Yes.” But I know how to say anything related to hostage takings, and I know the phrase for “It is a red apple”: a sentence that, for an American in Japan, is only rivaled in uselessness by the phrase, “This is a Dutch craft. Do you like? Please say you like.”

And finally, let me say “thank you.” Thank you, people of Japan, for having three alphabets – one of which has roughly 50, 000 letters – many of which consist of five or more strokes. And thank you also for having so many words that sound almost exactly the same – like ningen (human being) and ninshin (carrot). This practically ensures that I will, at some point, order human curry. Or, when I run into my first of many problems with immigration, I will tell the officials that I am a carrot and I deserve to be treated like one.

---------------------------------------------------------------------